When he's Lonely
by W.Blackbird
Summary: Anakin has visions of Padme frequently. You could almost say that he's "thought of her everyday since [they] parted."


Prompt: Confession

Anakin felt his entire life that one woman was going to be a part of his future. She would be at the crux of it. It was just something he knew. The same way he knew how to fly, or if someone was lying to him, or how machines worked. He just knew, and it was a part of his being.

When he met Padmé, he knew it was her. He could almost feel gravity shift so she had the greatest pull on him, and he knew, just knew, this connection meant something. Everything else fell away. He'd dreamed of her days before he'd met her. He'd known he'd meet her even before that. He thinks he always knew. She was coming for him. It was only a matter of time.

Things changed at the Temple. The meditations five times a day, learning to touch the Force, it made the dreams come stronger. It was like he'd opened the floodgates, and was awash in a sea of Padmé . (Of course it was the sea, for Padmé is as precious as water.) Anakin never minded nights like that. There were other nights, horrible nights, where it felt like the Force would assault him in his sleep, (the Jedi said the Force whispered, Anakin thought it screamed), but nights where he was overwhelmed by Padmé weren't like that at all. They are beautiful and soothing. He never minded being lost in the Force when it involved her.

It wasn't always the same manifestation. Sometimes he saw her present, and knew if she was happy, or tired, or satisfied, or worried. Sometimes he saw possible futures, some painful, some joyous, but all with devastating affection. Still other times, he saw her past. He saw a young girl laughing with her friends. He saw her swimming in the lakes. He likes seeing the past best. He can't be there for her in the present, and the future is "always in motion," or so he's been told, but the past is immutable. The past teaches him about Padmé. He wakes up, and feels he knows her. The sweetest dreams though are the ones where he doesn't see anything at all. Instead, he feels her presence in the Force wrap around him, merge with him, all through the night, and he feels safe, secure. It's like a hug when she isn't there. He thinks about her all the time. No one he's met has ever been as kind as she, nor felt so bright.

When he has dreams like that, he's always quiet the next morning. Obi-Wan never fails to ask why, but Anakin never tells. The dreams are sacred. The Jedi would call it attachment, and lecture him about letting go. Anakin doesn't want that. He doesn't understand it anyway. If the Will of the Force is important, they shouldn't tell him to dream of her is wrong, because clearly it's her. The Force showed him he'd marry her before he even knew, or had time to get attached. The Jedi might not want to believe in it, their own philosophy of trust the Force, but he does. Even if that weren't true though, he's not about to confess to Obi-Wan what he's seen in his dreams. He's left his mother, but he's not leaving Padmé too. They can't take her beauty from him. She's his best source of comfort right now. When he feels lonely, he thinks of Naboo.

A/N: This was inspired by several things Anakin has said or thought in various Star Wars novels. In chronological order they are:

From The Phantom Menace Novelisation:

"I'm going to marry you."  
"…Why do you say that?"  
"I suppose because it's what I believe."

From Rogue Planet:

"He had performed his first set of exercises for the day, and his thoughts were particularly clear. It seemed sometimes, when his mind was settled, when he had tamed his turbulence for the moment, that he was no longer a boy or even a human. His perspective seemed crystalline and universal, and he felt as if he could see all his life laid out before him,… Somewhere in that life would be a woman, though Jedi did not often marry."

From the Attack of the Clones novelisation:

"I've thought about her every day since we parted."

"I'd rather dream of Padmé….Just being around her again is… intoxicating."

"You haven't changed a bit. You're exactly the way I remember you in my dreams."

"When I started my training, I was very homesick and very lonely. This city and my mom were the only pleasant things I had to think about. …The problem was the more I thought about my mom, the worse I felt, but I would feel better if I thought about Naboo and the palace."

Recognizing this as a private time for Anakin, she turned and started away, as quietly as she could.

"Don't go," Anakin said to her.

"I don't want to disturb you," she told him, surprised.

"Your presence is soothing."

Looking at all of these quotes, I feel that Anakin must have had visions of Padme a lot growing up, must have sensed her a lot. She's his happy place, the one thing that soothes him. She's beautiful, and kind, and soft. She's his comfort, his angel. He doesn't mind if she sees him at his most vulnerable, because she has always been there for him, and he trusts her. He knows her far more intimately than she knows him, because he hasn't been fully separated from her for ten years. He's been dreaming of her.

I find this dynamic really interesting. Anakin clearly respects Padme's boundaries, and never pushes her beyond anything she's comfortable with. However, the Force has brought him far greater intimacy with her than she can possibly be aware of, at least in the beginning of their relationship, and, to his credit, Anakin does nothing to hide it's existence. This dynamic of uneven intimacy applies to everyone whom Jedi have visions about: none of these individuals choose to have their past, present, and future observed, but it's particularly strong with Anakin's dreams of Padme. It's a whole new level. It's never just a one-time vision for Anakin, and it goes on for years. He's strong in the Force, and she is, to him, significant. He sees her all the time. It's shockingly personal, and neither really seems to have much say in the matter, although Anakin does seem to enjoy it. He while he never tells Obi-Wan about the dreams, he does hint at them in AotC: "I'd much rather dream about Padme." It's certainly not anything he intends to be malicious. It just is. Is it romantic? Is it invasive? Is it both? Call it another example of how Anakin is "an odd one." He can't control it; it's simply a part of him, as Padme is, and always shall be. It never even occurs to him that what's going on is unusual. It's just so much a part of his existence. Anakin lives on a different realm. (Personally, I LOVE this aspect of their relationship. It's beautiful, unique, strange, and intriguing.) Anyhow, I just wanted to explore that in this fic. I hope you enjoyed it.


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